I feel like I am stuck, and I can’t even really put it into words that describe it.
What I can explain, though, is that something just ain’t right.
I have struggled with depression at times so I have thought that maybe this is a bout of that, but this feeling isn’t like ever before. I don’t feel hopeless or helpless. Last time I needed to medicate (for two years) to get out of it. And that was fine for me. I needed it and it helped me and it was temporary. (If you need help, get it. If you need to medicate for a bit, do it.)
This is different. I feel more empowered than ever before so wtf?
In one moment I explain it away as just “taking time out” and in the next it is because “I literally feel paralyzed”. I also deal with chronic anxiety which, oddly, is totally under control right now sans medication – even when I fly!
The bottom line is that I have basically ruled out depression and/or anxiety at this point.
Sometimes I wonder if my body/brain is just requiring me to sit still. I absolutely live a “fulfilled life” in which there is very little time to sit still anyway, and then I added school on top of it. My son is home from college for the summer and has a full-time baseball schedule, of course, so I took the summer semester off so I could watch him play because I am not able to do so during the school year. And between my youngest son’s soccer tournaments and the middle’s baseball, I watch at least five games Fri-Sun.
Because I love to watch them do what they love.
My house isn’t being cleaned, but my dog is being walked and the bills are being paid so there’s that. I have also been to the gym every single day because I am focusing on myself.
So, why am I so restless? I feel like I’m in a holding pattern just waiting for the control tower to give me the green light.
The green light for WHAT?!
It’s not that I am unhappy, because I am happy. And I am thankful for my life, struggles and celebrations.
My biggest issue is feeling like I can’t. I don’t. I’m not. I shouldn’t. I am in a vicious cycle of self-loathing vs self-loving. Some nights I lay in bed and absolutely hate on myself. Nothing about me is good enough. And every morning I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how amazing I am. That I am beyond lucky with my life.
The only thing in my life that I never feel negatively toward is my boys. That never comes into question. I always do enough. I am the best mom to them. I have amazing relationships with them. They have amazing relationships with each other. And sometimes this alone puts me at ease because at the end of the day THEY are what matter most to me so when I do die, I don’t think I will have any regrets.
Back in April, I attended an event called I CAN DO IT! in Denver, put on by Hay House. It was literally life changing. It filled my soul with so much awesome I can’t even put it into words. I had a four page final paper due on Sunday night at midnight so I said I would just go to hear a few of the speakers…. I SPENT THE ENTIRE WEEKEND soaking in their wisdom and turned in my paper at 11:58 PM Sunday night. I also made a new friend in the process.
Thinking back on that event, I see now that my soul is not aligned; I am fractured. My actions are not mirroring my words. I say I’m happy, and I truly am, but then I rage at the asshole who cut me off in traffic on the way home. I am not THAT person. But, clearly, I have become that person. How have I allowed this to happen?
Mental and emotional strength has always been my strong suit. I mean, I have raised three boys as a single mom and been there for every moment. I have juggled the finances by myself. Fixed the house by myself. I have done everything by myself. I am strong.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason; the good and the bad. And I do believe it, but right now I feel so incredibly fragile like I am swimming in what feels like shark infested waters even though I have not been attacked or seen the slightest hint of any danger.
So, WHY THIS FEELING?
I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m just going to write it out and hope that my discontent helps or resonates with at least one of you.