I can laugh about it now. Time to get real.

by Jill Bender on September 25, 2011

scaleOn facebook I mentioned that we are doing an 8 week weight loss contest at work. The first prize is an ipad2 and second place gets $100. I want to win first place.

Last time we did this type of contest – 5 years ago – I came in second place and did an awesome job of getting myself into shape and back into my size 4.

All that said, I have A LOT more work to do this time around and I really, really should win this one. There is no excuse.

I have been going downhill for over a year, I stopped going to the gym, I just turned to food, I’ve been crazy at work, the blog is growing, the kids have their sports, I have become stressed out and depressed… I have every excuse in the world. I weigh more now than I have ever weighed even while pregnant. I have 35 pounds to lose. There is no excuse for that.

The fact of the matter is that I have just made bad choices for far too long. I’ve tried to “go on a diet”, or pick up the newest fad thing, I walked for 2 weeks and then would stop. I would eat too much at one meal and I would snack on junk food in between. Bad choices.

But I’ve totally committed to working this 8 week contest. I can do this. I have a plan. I’m looking to lose 2 pounds per week, I’m going to stick to 1,200 calories per day, and I am going to hit the gym or do cardio five days per week.

We all know that I’m a cook, I bake. We eat at home 6 out of 7 days. I cook. We usually eat from scratch. The muffins, the cakes, the pies, the tacos, the taquitos... I do it for my family, and the blog. And I will still do them, and I will still eat them. I will eat one, not half! I will just have to be strong, and that is where YOU come in.

I plan to put it on paper because I need your help, I need you to keep me motivated, and to see the end goal. Like, for me, I see the 116 pound body that I had five years ago. Yes, it will take me more than 8 weeks to get there at 2 pounds per week, but… I want to be thin. I want my life back. I don’t want to hide in baggy clothes, long sleeves, and long pants. I have great legs and they need to be shown. I want to go out in public and have fun, I used to love to go out dancing, and I miss that. So I am hoping that you all will stick with me during my weight loss writings. Some of which may be happy, some mad, some funny, some very, very real. I got nothing to hide, I’m ready to be me.

Be sure to follow me on facebook because I also share “moments” there too. Yesterday I shared a tidbit of a moment that I will expand on now.

Soooo yesterday I woke up feeling great. I wanted to hit it. To get outside and start this thing. I didn’t want to run because my body is a little too creaky for that just yet. I just didn’t want to walk so I decided to ride my bike. My son helped me get my bike tires filled (because it has not been touched for four years) and seat just right I headed off.

Knowing my neighborhood is hilly, mostly it’s downhill from here so it’s uphill on the way back. Ugh. I carefully plotted my route so that I would be able to handle the ride.

Whew, I was feeling good. And in just ten minutes I had ridden quite a long way so I went a little farther out. Why not? Feeling GOOOOOD! The wind in my face, the sun shining bright, thighs were screaming, sweat running down my back. IT FELT GOOD!! Really good.

And on my way back I was headed uphill. Ooh, my thighs burned, and it felt good. So I pushed on, went farther, pushed harder telling myself “you got this. Go. Push harder.” (People I haven’t done any kind of activity in a year.) And then I stopped part way up one hill to take what I thought was a breather.

But then I got dizzy, and I could no longer stand so I let my bike down to the ground and kind of fell into the fence lining the street. I blacked out as I slumped down to the ground. I was sweaty, shaky, and felt like I needed to throw up. I turned my head to gag and when I looked up 3 teenagers were walking directly toward me. “Suck it up” I told myself. They passed, and I threw up. Phew. Sat back and then threw up again. I threw up three times. And then I sat there next to my bike on the side of the road.

Totally defeated by my own body. I tried to text the boys to come get me because I thought I was going to die on the side of the road. How embarrassing is that? But I was too weak to hold the phone enough to get a text out. So I sat. On the side of the road. With my head down, trying not to make eye contact with passerby’s. Didn’t they see I was DYING!?!?

On one hand being pissed that no one was stopping to help this dying person on the roadside. On the other hand it occurred to me that if they stopped they would know of my pathetic ways so I concocted a story for when they asked if I was ok. “Oh yeah, I’m good, I just twisted my ankle coming up this curb and my son is on his way, but thanks.” Thanks for acknowledging me in a most humiliating moment in my life. Thanks.

My son picked me up and drove me home. He lifted the bike out of his car and I walked the walk of shame up my driveway.

I’ve told this story to a few friends and I can laugh about it now while visualizing my broken body throwing up on the side of a road, sigh. But yesterday I was dying

That didn’t stop me though. When I got up today my son asked if I was going for a bike ride today. I thought he was mocking me, because it’s become a joke now how just riding my bike made me throw up. Ha ha. But when I shot back that of course I was going he said he would go with me because I shouldn’t go alone. icon smile Okay, mock on.

So we enjoyed a really nice long, and hilly bike ride with several breaks along the way.

I can laugh about it now. But I promise that I am going to kick this thing in the ass. And one day I’ll be running again and it will be really funny “that one day when I passed out and threw up riding my bike and concocted crazy stories to cover up the truth”.

I can promise you one thing, if you follow me through this journey you will get 100% real. You will get happy. Angry. Screw this. Celebration. And support. If you are going through anything similar, please feel free to share your thoughts here too.

By the way, that whole throw up thing, I have learned from a personal trainer, was lactic acidosis. It was real. It has a name even.

I got this! High five yo!

Previous post:

Next post:

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Nisey September 26, 2011 at

I am also on a journey, but I have lots more than 35 pounds to go! It’s actually terrifying to look in the mirror and no longer recognize your own face!!! It’s hard, its a daily struggle, but I WILL WIN!!!! I had a similar experience when my husband bought me the Playstation 3 Zumba game. Besides the fact that I had no idea how to even use the Damn thing, I really thought that I could last the entire 45 minute routine. Well, needless to say about 17 minutes into it I was running to find somewhere to Puke, all the time crying because my poor over-worked abs were being used to throw up. Afterwards, I laid on my couch and wondered how the hell it at come to this!! Keep up the good work and keep us posted!!!

Reply

2 Jill September 26, 2011 at

Thanks, Nisey, for sharing your story. It certainly helps to know that I’m not alone in my “incident”. It was truly a new low. Two days ago I was throwing up on the roadside. Today I am determined, more than ever, to show that roadside who’s boss! :) I definitely plan to keep posting about my journey and I hope you will continue to join in as well. I’d love to hear what works for you (and what doesn’t)! Good luck to you.

Reply

3 Laura September 26, 2011 at

You can do this!

Reply

4 Jill September 26, 2011 at

YES I CAN! Thanks!

Reply

5 Kelly @ City Mom September 26, 2011 at

Wow! This story is totally motivating! You describe it so well I feel like I was there. Though I would have offered help.

You know it’s a great story to be able to refer to when you’re all in good shape again and you can look back and say ‘look how far I’ve come’!

Keep up the good work! I’m on day 15 of a 22-Day DETOX program and I’ve lost 9lbs. I’ve learned a whole new way of eating and I’m super excited about it too.

I’ll follow along on your progress. Good luck!

Reply

6 Jill September 26, 2011 at

Thank you so much Kelly! I would totally have gotten in your car if you had rescued me too. LOL. I look forward to looking back. Even now, I can see the defeat in it, but I also see a huge opportunity because that was pretty low for me. Oooh detox? You are a brave one. :)

Reply

7 A Friend September 26, 2011 at

This story is funny, but real. What better person to take on this challenge than the toughest girl I know. if there is anyone that can add this challenge to their list of things to do, it’s you.

I will follow you on this journey. Be there to pick you up when you fall down, or talk to when you need someone to talk to. Even if you just want to brag a little

I know you will get there, I see it in your eyes.
You go girl!

Reply

8 Jill September 26, 2011 at

Thanks, friend.

Reply

9 Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness September 26, 2011 at

Ha! Reminds me of the time I did too many crunches at the gym, had abdominal cramps like I was giving birth to an alien baby, and the old guy walking the track did NOTHING to help me. (Okay, truthfully, just like you, I’d have declined his assistance, but he didn’t even bother to ask!)

Reply

10 Jill September 26, 2011 at

People are crazy, aren’t they? Where is John Quinones and his “What Would You Do?” show when we need him?

Reply

Leave a Comment