Today a friend and I were discussing life and how crazy my schedule is and will be for the next few weeks. We got onto the subject of this passed Saturday. J had two baseball games (9:00 and 3:45) and Jonesie had soccer at 10:30. And I went to all three.
I probably could’ve missed the 9:00 baseball game, slept in a little and enjoyed some breakfast. Or maybe missed the afternoon game since it was at such a random time. BUT we got up early! Jonesie and I caught most of the baseball game and then left to his soccer game. When J was done at his game he came to Jonesie’s soccer game. We went to lunch after, hung out at home and then went back to the field for the 3:45 game. Until Jonesie got popped in the mouth by a foul ball in a freak accident and then we missed the last 1/2 hour of the baseball game. 
My friend said “you don’t have to go to every game, you know? When you just need some time it would be okay to not go.”
But, I don’t see it that way. I argued that I did have to go. I did have to be there. I couldn’t just sit at home because I was tired from a really long week while my boy was playing ball. No, the dust bunnies can have all their fun in my house until I get the time but I cannot sit at home because I’m tired.
And then I said “there are so many kids whose parents I never see. T pitched a no-hitter for four innings and his parents weren’t there. How sad for them. I don’t want to be the parent that isn’t present while my kid accomplishes things.” No. I want to be there, I want to watch every minute because I know that I have very few years left. I’m just not willing to take that chance. I don’t ever want to be the parent that is never there. I just don’t. I think my kids deserve to be able to look back and see me there. Wherever they may be. I want to give that to them; give them ME.
My friend feeling like I put great pressure on myself because my schedule is so crazy, tried to reassure me and said “You are a great mom, you know that, right?” And yes, I do know that I am a great mom. But people don’t tell me I’m a great mom just because.
I earn it.
I wouldn’t be a great mom, though, if I didn’t do what I do. If I didn’t drag (yes, drag) myself out of bed early on a Saturday to watch my son’s baseball game. If I didn’t spend the weekend in Wyoming (for a baseball tournament) and come home on Sunday and change Monday night with my ex so that I can have Jonesie for one night before I am off to TX on Tuesday. Even if it means that our evening is soccer practice and rushed homework, dinner and shower. And we ended up having an awesome time together on Monday night. If I had taken the easy way out and left Jonesie at his dad’s and just sat back and had plenty of time to unpack and re-pack, LOOK at what I would have missed and I wouldn’t have seen Jonesie for a full seven days. No thanks.
I think being a single parent has pushed me to be a better parent. To be present. To be involved. Because in my older two boys’ lives – I am their only parent. And they deserve to have all of me.
And that’s where MY answer comes in……… “but look at what I do to BE a great mom.”
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen, sister! So proud to call you a friend….YOU ROCK as a parent!
I second all of that!
I’ve been called an “old soul” because I’m keenly aware of how quickly time flies {whether you’re having fun or not}. I live primarily for my babies because TOO SOON the day will come when all they want are the car keys and my credit card!
You are a pretty awesome mom.
I make every effort to go to all my kids games and activities… I don’t want to miss something important. But this weekend… this weekend I am going to miss homecoming and my daughter is a majorette and this will be the biggest show of the season. It’s killing me that I’m going to miss it…
You ARE an awesome mom!! I completely agree with you too! We go to every ball game, soccer game, dance class, etc……because I think I should….and yes, it would be easier to just miss one of this kid’s games, or that one (with three conflicting schedules – you know all about!!), but why would I? Isn’t that my job, to be supportive and BE there, even if I would love to veg on the couch? Same thing, can’t tell you how many parents through a whole baseball season I NEVER saw…..and when we finally did, they asked us how their kid did? I know there are responsibilities, but unless it is a dire one, I am going to make the effort to be there. They will remember, and it will be shaping THEIR adulthood and how they are to their children. THey are growing up fast, I want to spend as much time supporting them and helping them that I can!!!
I agree with this. And…I don’t. I’m just like you, Jill. I’m at EVERYTHING. Kung Fu, Scouts, school events, etc. I’m the den leader because the parent who was doing it wasn’t. He had 2 meetings and never had another. So I do it now and we have meetings and cover achievements. In fact, I now have the den below because their den leader was not doing it. So I have 20 boys under my wing.
I totally agree that you want to be there for all the big moments and even for the little ones. My son, in particular is needy and wants me there. Although I’m not a single parent, his dad works hours that don’t always jive with these events and quite frankly I just plain make the time.
Here’s where the disagree is coming in. I am falling apart. Truly. Literally. I have absolutely zero me time and it’s finally beginning to show. Yes, I’m there. But … I’m getting cranky and crabby because much as I love and adore my son, I’m not filling up my own well. I have a stressful job, plus my son has ADHD so every evening and many weekends is fully committed to monitoring homework, in addition to Kung Fu, Scouts, Cross Country, etc. etc. I’m losing it. It’s not good for my son, it’s not good for me.
Now, if I didn’t have DH, would that make a difference. I think it still would have to. I asked and, starting this week, DH will change his schedule so that he is off on Saturdays and can be at some of these things. Will I feel guilty? Probably. But I have to focus on myself,too. I need some self care so that I can not just be there, but I can BE THERE.
I guess this is a cautionary tale – do as much as you are able. But do not neglect your own needs. Do not think that you can postpone your own needs indefinitely. I’ve learned the hard way I cannot. Not without becoming a raving banshee from time to time and that’s an impression I’d rather not anyone – least of all my son – have of me.
Here’s the thing, as crazy as it sounds, I have that balance. I don’t know when, where or how, but I do. I know my limit. I hit it often. Almost daily in fact. But I take what I *need* and keep going. Some of that comes in saying no. It is time for you to say no too. You have to or you will go down.
Facebookers can attest to my somewhat bipolar days.
I had one yesterday. I let it out. Contrary to popular belief, lol, I am not always positive and Ms. Sunshine. Just ask those who interact with me regularly. 
This post is not for anyone to think or believe that giving everything is what it takes to be a great parent. I’m saying that in my case people don’t call me a great parent because I sit back and watch the world go by; I want to LIVE every moment with the kids.
I would never suggest giving your all at the cost of yourself. It goes back to the “put your oxygen mask on first” thing that you hear during takeoff on an airplane. If you are not whole you will go down. It’s not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. If you don’t have the oxygen your body requires you will die.
While I complain about traveling, it is actually “quiet time”. Even if it’s on an airplane with an 8 month old in full out meltdown in the row in front of me. I am where I need to be and cannot get there any faster – the world is out of my control. I can’t be on my phone. I can’t be checking e-mail. I can’t be doing laundry. And it doesn’t help to worry about all of the above in that moment either. I just *am*. I love waiting for a flight at the airport because I generally don’t work. I just sit.
I also know that I had Sunday after this crazy week totally free of sports. One day! While I could have/should have taken the day to clean, the first thing on my list was a pedicure. There was nothing else in that moment that would have given me the space to “recharge”. One hour.
I did go home and clean (for my own sanity)… but I know my limit. I know what it takes for me to come back from the edge. Be it an hour, or a day.
I also knew six weeks ago what I was in for and I knew it was going to be difficult and I wrote this post (which I know you read and commented on). There is light at the end of the tunnel. There ALWAYS is. The tunnel is long, but there is light.
You have my e-mail address if you ever need to vent or just take a quiet minute feel free to reach out. I know how hard it is.
Oh gosh, I totally didn’t mean you HAVE to do those things to be a great mom either! Heck no! And when you are working full time, it is so important to find that balance, or Jill is right, you will go down! We have moved cross country three times since 2006, and I *then* was working full time and had two toddlers and a k-gartener……it was awful! Now that we have moved so much, I have only been part time since 2006….and now my babies are all in school since we have been in CO. So, I have a little quiet time during the day to find my balance. Of course, then the guilt sets in……why isn’t the house perfect, you have time…..why aren’t you volunteering more, you have time, etc….Women are just wired to go insane, then try to find our sanity again! LOL!
Thanks, Jill. I do really appreciate it! I don’t know if you watch Parenthood, but I was so identifying with one of the moms who was postponing her breast tumor surgery so that she would be there when her son ran for student council president. I soooo relate to that! Am trying to learn not to postpone “me.” (Oh, and you **are** a great mom!)
Love it. So true on everything you said. Its what we do as mothers. Lose sleep, get up at the crack of dawn for games, shows, activities, whatever it is. Today my daughter turns 20 years old and Im so happy that Ive gone to every event possible, bc yes being a single parent sometimes shows as the only parent. I love when we looking back at those events and she says Mom you went to all the activities. Our babies remember this and really do appreciate our presence. Moms rock….
I love your outlook on life. It’s hard and tiring with school and activities….but it’s what parents have to do. I want to be at everything too, for my boys to look over and see me standing there, watching them. Good for you!